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First Press release; from the Austrian Office, Vienna:
News just in, propaganda posters have been dropped all over Austrohungary and the Balkans, encouraging them to rise up against the evil turkish threat...
Death to the Ottoman empire and all it's matching three piece suites!!
The Reply from Russia:
The People's Republic Dictatorship of Russia appeal for any spare unwanted vacuum cleaners to hover up spare posters which are blowing across the borders and accumulating in the Russian fields.
Rush'n Media Inc.
Sponsored by Hamster Tours
and Guinness
Released to the people of the Netherlands:
Official Press Release:
People of Holland, The Netherlands, you may have noticed recently a new presence, the Kriegsmarine, within your borders. Fear not, they are not there to hurt you, but support and protect you from any invading force. Do not treat them with disdain, but instead, welcome them with open arms. They are acting in your best interests, as you will soon see.
As a final thought, we at the German High Command wish to say "Welcome to the family."
Danke,
-Die Große Diktator
As a further announcement, we have begun our new poster campaign. Within the Alliance countries will be found such posters as attached, the first one to be put up.
-German High Command
Released following the attacks by the Ottomans:
Achtung!
Following the cowardly attacks by the heartless Turks on the Austro-Hungarian empire, all civilians inside Jello Alliance territory are now to carry their Wehrpass at all times to produce if challenged.
A sample Wehrpass can be seen attached to this missive.
Heil Jello!
Second announcement that day:
Achtung!
It appears that following the declaration requiring the carrying of the Wehrpass at all times, some prisoners of war (in particular a certain man who can see, he can see perfectly, and does lectures on birds) have been forging the Wehrpass from tin cans and jam. Please see the difference below and DO NOT accept the forgery.
This is an actual pass
This is a forgery made of tin cans and jam.
-------------------------
Unteroffizier Kurt Oberhoffer,
on behalf of
Oberstführer Caroline Proctor
Following the attack on Holland by Britain, this was released from Berlin:
The Jello Alliance had diplomatic ties and nonagression agreements with several countries, including the Ottoman Empire and Britain. In light of their recent actions and attacks we feel that we have no choice but to cut diplomatic ties with these traitors immediately and denounce any connection we once had with these nations. We are very dismayed by the actions taken by these countries, former allies, former friends, and have now placed trade embargoes and sanctions on these nations. That means no more sauerkraut or Vienna sausage...
We will not lay down and surrender. It is better to die on your feet than live on your knees and the Germans will not go quietly!
This message is from the German High Command, the Austro-Hungarian Empire is expected to release a very similar announcement shortly.
Reichsführer Of the German Empire
Press announcement to the residents of the Jello Alliance Reich.
Due to the call from the people for more youth invovlement and education, we will be instituting a new youth movement, which will take the place of any existing ones. This will be a standard movement throughout the Alliance, regardless of which Alliance country the youth are from.
The program summary is as follows:
[Message shortened; see the Jello Jugend section for details].
All youth at age 6 must join; all parents who refuse to let their children join are to be arrested as traitors for not wanting the best for their children and holding them back; as the JelloJugend is the most wonderful opportunity a child will get to learn new things, new skills, make more friends than he or she every thought possible and to be the best citizen he or she is able to be through proper education in the values and ideals of the alliance.
Heil Jugend!
-Der Reichsführer Deutschland.
Announcement from the Ottoman Empire in regards to the Alliance:
With the increasing border tensions running high between Central Europe and the outlying countries, the Turkish people have expressed a strong vote of confidence in their leader, General "Darth" Dunc. Many major anti-Austrian rallies have taken place in some of the major cities in Bulgaria, while there were many large street parties in Serbia as the bell tolled midnight on New Year's Eve 1902 and Serbia officially became part of the Turkish Empire.
General Dunc, who is also military advisor to the fledgling Norris World Order based in Italy, gave the following speech after the bells chimed to mark in the New Year:
"The Jello Alliance saw fit to expand their territory too far towards our fair country. Our increasing population, and our close borders with Russia demand that we expand our empire to the west. The Austrian Government have many other choices as to which way they can expand, so let them choose another route. We shall not let Serbia be reclaimed, after such a successful liberation of this until-recently-oppressed country. To our other European neighbours we say this - we have no quarrel with any European country. Austria had illegally taken control of a bordering country, and we liberated it for the good of its people. We shall help Serbia to rise from their down-trodden year and become the country they once were, before the Austrian oppression began. We call on you, our other European neighbours, to embargo the Austrian people until Serbia receives an official apology from them. Should Austria try such fiendish tricks again, the whole of Europe should prepare to stand against them. To the Austrian leaders, I say this - we can forgive your past actions should suitable apologies and actions be shown towards the Serbian people.
A Happy New Year to all my people.
Sozlu Koklu Degisiklik".
Europe watches on as they await the Jello response.
Rally Speech
20 April 1903
Jello News Network
Rally In Berlin
Last night in Berlin there was a rally held for all Alliance members. This was led by one of the Jello High Command Staffers, GeneralOberst Adolfus.
Thousands turned out to the rally, including many military members, to listen to the words from the High Command. These words were strong and powerful ones, meant to incite the fire in the heart of every German and Austrian in attendance.
"We are in a dark time right now. Enemies are on our borders, invaders from foreign lands. We have the power within each and every one of us to stop these cruel foreign armies but we must ALL stand and unite together!" Cheers from the crowd were heard. "ALL of us have a part to play, every man, woman, girl and boy, we all have our places. Young men, as soon as you can, you are URGED by your land, your leaders, your families, to join the military and fight to defend us from the coming evil! We can NOT let them in! A Jello Alliance member will not lie down and let our enemies win! Youth, join the JelloJugend, learn the skills that will help you be good citizens, and defend your land, defend your family! Stand and wobble proudly for the Jello Alliance."
"We MUST NOT let these invaders in, we must stop them at the borders! The Armies and the Kriegsmarine are doing their part, but we have had many casualties and we are recruiting ALL able-bodied men aged 17-40. It is your DUTY to your land and country to do SOMETHING in this fight for our homeland. The Turks from the South, the Frogs from the west, the Brits from wherever the hell they are from, the Russians from the rejected lands, they want what we all have and hold dear. We must not let them in. If you see anyone that you think might be an enemy, have no fear, shoot them or capture them if you are able. If you are not, remember their location and description and report them to the police immediately! At home, be frugal with food. Save money, supplies, food, for our weary troops protecting our homeland. Girls, get together and collect material for uniforms, or cook a meal for a soldier you know in your neighborhood. Boys, keep practicing your military tactics, your enemy identification homework is IMPORTANT now that there might be spies about. Women, make sure your family is safe, but go easy on the food supplies, and reuse whenever possible. Men, join the military if you are able. If not, continue working, we need people manufacturing supplies, growing food, building cars, running the country still. Do not cower in fear! The baguette-wielding Frogs will not get you if you stand in their faces! If you ever see any Russians, feel free to steal their Vodka. Capture them if possible so they can make more for us. It is rather tasty."
"Stand up, Alliance members, German and Austrian, fight for your land, for your families, for the Alliance!!! Jello Heil!"
The crowd erupted at this point into may Jello Heils.
The evening ended with a few minor speeches and war reports from across the European theater of operations and then the crowd went home for sauerkraut and strudel.
-Feldwebel Otto Helmst
Braunhemd Reporter
AustroHungary Tonight
BONG...... Prices of ice cream rocket after French attack supply lines..... BONG..... Elvis impersonator wins Stars in Their Eyes, years before Elvis is even born..... BONG..... Hungarians shot after panic spreads throughout Budapest...
Good evening, the main story tonight...
13 Austrohungarian dissidents have been shot by firing squad tonight in Budapest after panic struck throughout the town. "We're all going to be massacred" said an unknown midget passer-by, running away screaming. The Jello High Command referred to this statement as "Bollocks", instead claiming that a master plan, well into it's final stages, will result in ultimate allied victory for the AustroHungarians and their German cousins. They also referred cryptically to "Operation Rubber Duck" and the large part to be played by the JelloJugend, and call for volunteers to form local Jello Volkssturm units to defend their homeland.
"We understand that the war has not gone well for us so far, but we are confident that with the support of the people we will ultimately triumph" said a spokesman. In reference to the 13 men shot earlier today, he also said "Traitors within our own midst, who do not believe in the Jello ideals of winning at all costs, should be put out of their misery. It's only fair to the rest of the population. With them out of the way, I'm sure the rest of the people are behind us 100%". After the executions, the populace of Budapest seem to be of exactly that opinion, or so a family squealed when questioned by our reporters from behind locked and barred doors. "Yes, yes, we love the Oberstfuhrer, we do, we do, now piss off!" said one man.
Back to the studio...
News Release, Germany
Tonight in Germany, the public is shocked by the events which occurred in Budapest earlier.
"I can't believe nations are really that much against us, and it just chills me to the bone to believe for a second that anyone from inside the Alliance was working with these enemies. I know they were spies sent from that awful Norris World Order perhaps, or some of those stodgy Brits," said a man today who wished to remain anonymous.
It is the time, Alliance citizens, to stand up and defend what is ours. This is an official call to ALL Volkssturm members, report to your local armory. For those who have not been a part of the Volkssturm and want to join, here is our in-depth report:
[Message Edited for length; see Volkssturm section for details]
As for the present, these [Volkssturm] members are being called to defend our soil and our homes. We all wish them luck as they rally to assist the regular military units.
This Just In:
Direct from Der Großführer Deutschland, ALL military units, including the Braunhemd, Schwartzhemd, Kriegsmarine, 1st and 2nd Batallion Transvestite Brigades and all Volkssturm:
This is an ORDER to gather ALL the kegs of beer you can and DRINK, have parties, and drink ALL you can. Those of you in the Braunhemd who have captured vodka from the Russians; either drink it for the purposes of being an appetizer for the beer or save it... there is a Phase of Operation Rubber Duck that we require vodka for.
Fear not, good citizens, the plan is in action!
-Der Großführer Deutschland
All through Berlin today there were protests at the rising price of ice cream. The French have cut the ice-cream supply lines, and there were teary-eyed children everywhere who could only get one scoop of chocolate and no metal ball thingys as sprinkles. There was some speculation that the French wanted these to sell to the British as ammunition.
On behalf of the Greater Jello Empire:
The final Jello Master Stroke, Operation Rubber Duck. (Remember way back when, our propaganda and Press Releases? If not, http://jelloalliance.tripod.com )
(Through thorough reading of the rules, this move is NOT in any way prohibited, oddly enough.)
The people of the Jello Alliance have a simple wish, to retain their homeland. We don't much want anyone else's land, just to defend our own. Since it is obvious there is no chance for peace in Europe as it stands, we have chosen to perform this drastic and entertaining move.
Operation Rubber Duck.
Phase 1: Call up the Volkssturm. Get all military members, including the Volkssturm, to gather every beer barrel they can and get massively drunk, until there is no more beer available in all of the Alliance territory.
Phase 2: Gather all Military, Volkssturm and JelloJugend together. Overnight, all the masses of military dug up the land, placing the empty beer kegs underneath the land to make it more buoyant, then pushed towards the navies by all hands. If any Brits or French are in the way of this, pour the captured vodka on the ground around them then toss a cigarette at them... They will move. If they don't, find marshmallows. And I hear frogs' legs are good...
(Defensive moves only; to protect us from attack while moving).
Phase 3: Each region was then floated out through the North Sea on the beer kegs, pulled by the Kriegsmarine and the Austrian Navy, and resettled in the Atlantic Ocean. The displaced water filled up the space where our land once stood.
The Alliance does not wish to make trouble, but instead to avoid it. This move is what those in the High Command feel is best for all our people and our way of life.
-Der Großführer Deutschland und Oberstführer Proctor
Jello Alliance